Life and death

I wake up every day at different times. Usually between 11 am and 2 pm. I’ve been on a decline with keeping up lately. I have lost my mojo so to speak. I used to wake up before the sun would rise and sleep when the sun was setting. But now I nearly never see the sun anymore. I wake and it's nearly dark. It’s hard to have a “good day” when you barely even get to see the day. It’s terrifying to change this cycle once you get it going because you know you’re just going to fall back into it so easily. I’d like to say that I once had it, but did I ever “have it”? What was it that I had? Was it routine? Was it a feeling of accomplishment? Was it this overwhelming sense of self and ability to live? What was the “it”? Now I fill my days with trying to seem like I am not losing when in reality I’m constantly losing it. I never let it show. I take it with me to my bed every night. Wrapped in a cold warm thickness of white sheets. With music and words in my mind that can never reach the page anymore. It all seems so useless trying. Trying to care enough to just seem more human. But for whom do I need to care about this other than myself? Who cares? I think about dying every day, but when faced with the question upfront, I could not tell you the answer. I can never seem to make a final decision. Because my feelings change every day. My soul does not want to think of it. It just seems so silly to me sometimes. Life and living. If we only get one, why do we need to make consecutive and conclusive decisions just to please people with the answers? Why not just change it on the constant and live life differently every day because we truly don’t know when our last moments will be. We will never ever know. It feels fleeting but the less you think about when the deadline is, the more you will do and get done and the more life will happen and the more zen and peace you will feel so when the moment does come that is your last, it will be all that you were destined for. It will happen, it is going to happen whether we like it or not. We truly have no idea. The “not knowing” is allowing us to fully just be in the here and now and not care about what anyone thinks of us. To live how we want to. Sure, worry will always be present but the more that you can just put that aside, the less careful you will feel the need to be. For now I am at a stand still. Just breathing and that is ok. “Life is a gift, and I don’t intend on wasting it.” -Jack Dawson, Titanic, 1997.